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The first part of our journey we go through denial. We know something’s wrong, but don’t really tell anyone, we are often confused and don’t really understand what’s going on. Denial can only last so long as with the blood in the stool, and the other symptoms we know are not normal. As a symptoms persist in the pain starts to take over our lives, we tell someone or seek out a doctor. This part can often be frustrating as well, as the process of being diagnosed can be long and treacherous.
Now, we’ve been diagnosed, now we have a name for our problem. This part is the poor me stage, blame stage, feelings of helplessness and anger. At this part of our journey we come to realize that we do have a problem, but it’s not our fault. We blame the world, the doctors, and we feel like a victim.
To get through this stage, we need to accept ourselves. Whether or not, this is good or bad, right or wrong, is irrelevant it is, and we need to accept that. This is the body we have, this is the life we have. Once we accept this we can move forward.
This is a pivotal point on this journey, we can sit and wait in this place of blame, frustration and anger or we can choose to make this a new opportunity to move forward.
When we are in pain it’s easier to sit in this place of blame, rather than choose to move forward, because the pain blocks or ability to think clearly. Not really knowing how much pain we are in, and that we are not thinking clearly, we tend to linger in this poor me stage for a while.
Until my surgery, I was stuck in this place of blame. I had Crohn’s disease for 12 years, before my surgery, and never once knew how much pain I was in. After my surgery, I realized how much pain I had been in for the past 12 years. Because this pain creeps up on us over the years, we do not understand the level of pain we are in. Being in pain all the time we tend to go through life a little tense, a little on edge and feeling frustrated, making it hard to move forward.
When we are in pain all the time, it’s hard to heal the emotional part of us. After I had my large bowel removed I was finally pain free, what a relief. Now I was able to look forward in life.
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We need to shed those tears; we need to let them out. There is much sadness in our world just as there is much bliss. Judging it, criticizes the world for how it should be, holding us back from moving forward in our personal life. Judgment of how it should be instead of allowing the tears of anger, sadness, shame and showing our fear only blocks us back from our feelings. There will always be stuff in our life that part of us wishes’ were different, this is the part that is not living in the now. When we live in the now we allow our self’s to feel. In this we become accepting of what is rather than what should be. We cry when we need to. In understanding that we need to cry, in order for our personal growth we need to understand our tears.
Anger Tears: Our ego is in the way here, we are in a vulnerable, exposed, powerless place that we do not want others to know. We are feeling inadequate, our body stiffens. Not knowing how to express our self’s not feeling that tears are acceptable or polite we try to hold them back until they squeeze out the out side corner of our eyes, making it easy to push away.
Sad Tears: When we are moving forward in a new direction, leaving certain things, persons, usually advancing to a new level we have sadness in our hearts. With our shoulders down, the salty tears come up from our hearts to the inside corner of our eyes. They spill down our cheeks over our lips where we taste them, and are reminded with the bitterness of the bitterness of life.
Frightened Tears: When we are frightened we create tears that come from the bottom of our feet. Our whole sole is trembling or shaking and the tears engulf the whole well of our eye, clouding our vision. They spill over our whole face, making us feel more vulnerable.
Shame Tears: These come from the pit of our stomach when we are to much in our heads, judging criticizing ourselves and others. The word Should has a big part of shame as the word it self is a guilt trip on our self’s and others. With our shoulders dropping we are stuck in the anguish of the past.
Combo Tears: The worst tears of all, stiffness of anger, dropping of sadness, trembling of fear, and the bending of shame. Trembleling cold and nauseated, feeling unworthy and afraid we get mad at our self’s for feeling this way.
Tears are our friends, we need them. We need them for our self’s and to see them in others. As we are all learning to understand our feelings tears show us where we stand today.
We all have tears inside us. We hold our families pain, our friends pain, the planets pain. With so much pain from the outside and our own we have denied our tears. It takes strength to cry, shed a tear. Finding it easier to cry for someone else than for your self. Tears get us through the darkest time, bringing us to a new understanding of our self. A new light, where we can show others who are blocked in their tears. These unshed tears cloud us, discolor our thoughts, making us unable to take real steps forward so we repeat the blocked process over and over.
Telling our stories, while letting out the full range of tears heals us, as well as the ones we have shared with. After the tears we, are able to see the blocks in a better light with a new understanding, making it easier to pick up and move forward again.
Its ok to cry, go ahead the planet needs you to.
Hugs all around Sheri.
I have been going through a lot of emotions lately, like my mind has a new person living in there. With all the changes in life, looking forward into the unknown, some times it’s all a little much.
When we think that we are alone; it’s hard to reach out. Pushing forward today I was out reaching out with some friends and I came across this book, Yesterday I Cried. It seemed so fitting for me this day. I picked it up, brought it home, perched my self in the warm afternoon sun and started to read it. It started with a poem; I felt it so fitting for many of us that I wanted to share it, so here it is.
Hugs all around. Sheri
Yesterday I Cried by Iyanla Vanzant
I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes,
unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.
I’m telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over
the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of
soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.
I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired,
or too mad to cry.
I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored,
disrespected, and
disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me
in the ways others did to me
the same things I had already done to myself.
I cried for all the things I had given,
only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that
had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished,
only to give them away,
to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.
I cried because there really does
come a time when the only thing left
for you to do is cry. Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get
left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don’t know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.
Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that
caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there,
the hurt wakes you up.
I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn’t know
that my soul knew everything I needed to know.
I cried a soulful cry yesterday,
and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda
There is this woman whom I have been connecting with. Even though I was not feeling like there was a need for a Ostomy friend, there is. It has been very comforting to talk with someone else whom has gone through the same things as me.
Over the years I have become more comfortable with my bag and all of its noises, yet when you are with your Ostomy friends and theirs starts to make noises it feels like a weight has been lifted, you are not alone, its almost funny.
When we are with our friends they catch us when we criticize ourselves. They remind us to be patient with our selves. I find listening to their stories help me look at my stories in a new light, often having a more intense concern for them, than I did for my self in the same situation.
This is usually one of the first stages of disease. For me this was most of my teen years. Being in pain all the time, having to limit my social activities, I was the victim. In the poor me stage we feel like no one understands what we are going through. It is hard to have compassion for others as we are in pain and only see the world from our perspective. When one is going through the poor me stage it is hard to connect with others.
First we need to accept this stage and see it for what it is. We can not deny our feelings but look at our selves clearly. Realize that we may be bitter about our past; be bitter towards others which just mirror back to us.
Today is a new day. You decide how to look at it, let it go and jump forward. Find some one online who needs some support and make your self find the words to encourage them. You may think it is the time for you to get the support, but first give it to someone else, then go find someone to share support back to you.
Now that I have come out the other side of this stage, I am grateful for what I have gone through. Until we have gone through our own experience, we are unable to understand enough to help another through theirs.
Sheri
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