I thought that I was controlling the disease.

Up until my surgery at 23, I had in my mind the thoughts that I was doing well controlling my crohns with diet and prayer. Really what was going on was that I had basically stopped eating anything. This did control the symptoms of crohns but what was really going on was I was becoming anorexic. I did not even see this coming as my idea of what Anorexic is, was all based around concerns about being fat or a bad physical self image.

In my mind cutting back on what I let my self eat was not an eating disorder; I was just in control my disease. As the crohns got worse I pretty much had cut everything out of my diet. Watermelon was the only thing I could eat with no problem.

Still thinking I was in control, my mind accepted the times I would purge as just another part of controlling my disease. Not until a friend of mine called me on it did I start to think purging was an issue, and I worked towards stopping that part.

Not purging after I ate left me feeling guiltily and bad about my self. Out of necessity I still continued to limit what I did eat. In reality this could only last a few years.

Guilt, self abuse and the fact that I did have crohns disease finally caught up with me. I remember it was the day after Halloween a Saturday that I started to get sick. I called my work on the Monday and said that I would not be able to make it in that week. By Wednesday I called back and said that I did not think I would be able to make it back. The realization that I had lost control was starting to hit me.

S.

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